The Sword – Gods of the Earth

The Sword – Gods of the Earth (Kemado Records) 2008. OK, I get lots of indie shit in the mail. I try to listen to everything at least once but you would be amazed how much music being made out there is just boring. I mean, I would rather listen to something awful than something boring because at least I can be entertained by its awfulness. Obviously this begs the question, if something is entertaining can it truly be awful? Or is it just good in an ironic way? Case in point, this ridiculous…and I mean ridiculous…CD by Austin’s (and I mean Texas) The Sword.

As frequent readers of Last Days know, I grew up partially in Saint Louis, Missouri, USA. Now to a lot of people around this globe, the USA represents sorta the bunghole of the earth. I can see this argument. So follow me here….If the USA is indeed the bunghole of the earth, what is the bunghole of the USA?

Well, Saint Louis is often in a dead heat with Detroit for title of bunghole of the USA. Not fair maybe, but we are talking perceptions here people. So… if Saint Louis is indeed the bunghole of the USA (which is considered by many to be the bunghole of the world), what is the bunghole of Saint Louis?

Amazingly enough, most Saint Louisans think that North County is the bunghole of Saint Louis (which is the bunghole of the USA, which is considered by many to be the bunghole of the world) . I’m from North County.

So…..North County, Saint Louis, Missouri, USA is effectively the bunghole of the bunghole of the bunghole of the world. I don’t necessarily agree with this. I have been to worse places. But perception-wise Florissant MO, USA is not a favoured destination for anyone other than Teezar enthusiasts. It is also where I came of age and I can tell you for a fact that one of the things that added to the sheer bunghellishness of the place was music like The Sword.

First, we shall goeth to 7-11 and plunder Doritos!!

I mean by the time I left this place, I seriously could not conceive of sitting around some dudes basement cranking shit like this and doing bong hits ever again. If a drummer I played with tried to break out a double bass line, the relationship was over. It was that bad. So, why oh why then, do I listen to Gods of the Earth and crack a smile? Whatthafuck? Why did I laugh my ass off at the song title…I shit you not….Fire Lances of the Ancient Hyperzephyrians? Shouldn’t it have just thrown me into a blind rage? Am I some kind of masochist?

So the fact is, that any album named after an HP Lovecraft quote is already starting off ideologically suspect © and this one is no exception. I cannot recommend this album in any shape or form. THIS KIND OF MUSIC IS BAD FOR YOU. At the same time, I have to own up to the fact that at some molecular level, this kinda shit was branded into my DNA and if it was branded into yours, well….you may actually find yourself enjoying it. And if you are prone to tortured self-examination, the fact that you enjoy this should throw you into some sort of god-awful existential dilemma.

Now I’m going to listen to my French Synth Wave CD and try to forget about this whole ugly experience. Thank you.

Track Listing

1. Sundering
2. Frost-Giant’s Daughter
3. How Heavy This Axe
4. Lords
5. Fire Lances of the Ancient Hyperzephyrians
6. To Take the Black
7. Maiden, Mother & Crone
8. Under the Boughs
9. Black River
10. White Sea

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8 Responses to The Sword – Gods of the Earth

  1. Ktown says:

    I’ve heard this type of critic’s pessimism before, believe me. So what would you rather put in your car stereo that either of the Sword’s albums. Is there something better floating around in St. Louis? I doubt it…

  2. Joe says:

    Is there something better floating around in St. Louis? — Howzabout 20 year old Cirith Ungol, Teezar and Manowar cuts?

  3. bra says:

    the guy who wrote this dont know shit.
    or even he dont know what shit means either?
    leave music to musicians.

  4. Joe says:

    dumbest. comment. ever.

    made my point completely.

  5. Erich says:

    And leave the bras to the women!
    Totally share your opinion, Joe. I was heavily recommended this album, so heavily, that I bought it. Just like that. I thought, oh well, it’s gotta be great. I don’t know what this is. It’s like unmusic. Nothing, absolutely nothing lasts a minute. Pretty weird: Like you sat in a train who has a plough at its rear end with which it destroys the railway it just passed. You play a song and you instantly forget it, no – you keep forgetting it while you’re playing it. Absolutely pointless.

  6. Joe says:

    Ha, Ha Erich – I dont know if you are familiar enough with American Stoner patois to know that “bra” is stoner lingo for “bro”, which is like a jock version of “dude”. This makes “bra’s” comments even stupider than they already are.

  7. Slim says:

    This review is absolutley pathetic. This band is probalbly the best doom metal band I have heard in a long long time. Joe, crawl back in your hole and go back to listening to eminem and oh by the way ” bra” is not stoner lingo its black lingo.

  8. Joe says:

    Aw Slim, cool your jets brah. I actually kind of like the album. I mentioned that it was totally ridiculous (which it is) and I am aware of that but that because Doom Metal was branded into my DNA when I was young, I like it even though I know it is pretty ridiculous. The review was an early attempt at irony and satire which went over the heads of most Sword fans because you guys smoke too many doobies.

    Here, make yourself a sandwich, listen to this and mellow out:

    or this:

    or this:

    or this:

    or this:

    or this:

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