The Monochrome Set – 10 Don’ts for Honeymooners

Monochrome Set -10 Don’ts for Honeymooners // Straits of Malacca (PRE) 1981. I could do a write-up on The Monochrome Set and explain how brilliant they are from both a musical and lyrical perspective. I could go on to explain how singer Bid’s laconic delivery regarding the joys of corporal punishment on the B-Side of this single is reminiscent of Charlie Mortdecai after one too many gin and tonics. I could ramble on about how brilliant Lester Square is on the guitar. But instead I’ll just let Bid and the rest of the chaps share with you some do’s and don’ts for honeymooners. So grab a cup of tea and read along:

10 Don’ts for Honeymooners

Don’t ski naked down Mt. Everest
With lilies up your nose
Don’t punt up the Ganges in a vest
And holler ‘Thar she blows’

Don’t fish for tunny in Meat Madras
With blotting pads as bait
Don’t converse with shrimps of higher class
About the church and state

Don’t dance the polka in a dhoti
Arid whistle the Rite of Spring
Don’t recite Hamlet’s soliloquy
While munching onion rings

Don’t plant a stickleback in a field
On St. Augustine’s Day
Don’t sharpen your sword and beat your shield
And somersault up a brae

Don’t build a pyramid on the pole
With Frosties packets and glue
Don’t serve rubber bullets in a bowl
And call it Irish Stew

Don’t change all the water into wine
And walk on the Dead Sea
Never sing the Song of the Golden Rhine
With an augmented flea

I’d make a world in seven days
I’d pasteurise the Milky Way
Sing, yi yi yip, yip yipee yay

I’d play hoop-la with Saturn’s rings
I’d tie a knot in Erroll Flynn’s
Sing, yi yi yip, yip yipee ying

I’d juggle with Jupiter’s moons
I’d flatten the Sahara’s dunes
Sing, yi yi yip, yip yi pee yoon

I’d kick Mars into a black hole
I’d spread plum jam on Denning’s rolls
Sing, yi yi yip, yip yipee yole

I’d squeeze the spots out from the sun
I’d swim the Mare Imbrium
Sing, yi yi yip, yip yipee yun

Mush a ding, toodle eye-ay
Tara diddle dyno day
Yi yi yip, yip yipee yay

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9 Responses to The Monochrome Set – 10 Don’ts for Honeymooners

  1. Marcel says:

    I do have to say Monochrome Set took me a while to warm up to. I just have the He’s Frank 7″ but I can only listen to that song if I tweak the rpms up a little bit, then it sounds more punchy. That said, you gotta love a band that used to have Adam Ant as a member, kinda like how Bowwowwow were all former Antz members, or is that just a myth?

  2. ib says:

    Bid + Square’s “Alphaville b/w He’s Frank” is one of my all time favourite 45s. Good call, Joe.

  3. nazz nomad says:

    Jet Set Junta brings back many fond memroies. Thanks for the blast from the past.

  4. Chris Oliver says:

    I like these guys. They have a song called “Love Goes Down the Drain” that just baffles me how it could have failed to become a hit. That’s a terribly structured sentence, but you get my meaning.

  5. Mark Early says:

    I love the guitar solo of “He’s Frank”. As far as I’ve found, Adam Ant was never in the Monochrome Set. Lester Square was the original Ants guitarist though. And, yes, Bow Wow Wow were all former Ants except for Annabella Lwin. Adam Ant decided he needed a good publicist so he went for Malcolm McClaren. McClaren promptly persuaded the rest of the guys to leave Ant and back Lwin as Bow Wow Wow.

  6. Joe Stumble says:

    Mark — I too love the guitar solo on He’s Frank. One of the best neo-Velvets songs ever recorded. I would have posted that single but ASFM beat me to it a while back.

  7. Dan Selzer says:

    a new label in brooklyn is working on a vinyl relase of all the pre-singles demos and unreleased stuff. Stay tuned!

  8. Roberto says:

    I agree with you,one of the best bands of all times,totally underrated… i see them live two times here,in italy,and they were fantastic,and J.D.Haney,formerly of Art Attacks,is one of the best drummers ever…

  9. Jay Aich says:

    I love this track – are you aware of the positive version, “Avanti”?

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